Little Gods: The Idol of Relationships
By God's grace, I came to a saving knowledge of Christ in September of my freshman year of college. Sitting in a church service with my Bible clutched to my chest, the Holy Spirit began to peel the scales from my eyes, and I understood grace for the first time. I began to shed the legalism I had grown up on in my early years, I realized there was nothing I could do to earn my way to God; but God awoke me from my spiritual death and raised me to new life in Him. In that high school auditorium seat, over the course of the series, I felt a call to lay down my life in response to Christ laying down his own. By faith, I decided to take up my cross and follow Christ.
While I can say that was when I began to fall in love with Jesus, I have to admit it was also when I began to fall prey to my own foolishness in some colossal ways. It was then I came face-to-face with my sin nature.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound!
I waited to date until I got to college for a number of reasons, but when I finally made it to freshman year, my desire to be in a relationship overwhelmed me, consumed me even. I mean, it was finally my time to find love! This is what I had been waiting for: bring on bachelor number one. I was called to date for such a time as this! Or so I thought.
I was geared up and ready to find the love of my life, until I felt God calling me to be single for a season. I could sense Him calling me to a place where I could trust Him with my plans, my hopes and my dreams about love. He was calling me to lay my idol down.
So, naturally, I threw a fit. I stomped my feet, clenched my fists, crossed my arms and threw a tantrum like a four year-old on her way to time out. I said, "Whatever. I'm going to do my own thing... still love ya though."
I was so frustrated with God. He really needed to get with my program. In all my rage, I hopped in my car, left Norman and drove to Morrison, Oklahoma to get my Nana's advice. She had the magical ability to help me feel better any time I was in the crazy place. She was my secret weapon against Grade-A insanity. My Nana cooked me dinner, offered me some comforting words and prayed for me, but for some God-forsaken reason, my heart was inconsolable, even to the one person who always knew how to comfort me. So I decided to find my own comfort elsewhere.
Six months later and I'm on the tail end of the most emotionally damaging "almost relationship" I've ever been in. I carried wounds around from it for months, bordering on years. The issue wasn't even so much about the guy as it was about me wanting the relationship at any cost — even if it meant going against God's best.
Thankfully, in the trust form of grace I've seen God use in my life, God protected my heart every step of the way, even when I wasn't willing to, nor did I want to, be protected. He threw up roadblocks at perfect times, times where I would have happily marched myself into pits I'd likely spend decades getting myself out of emotionally. The Lord gave me so many gracious outs. He protected me from shame that, knowing myself, I would have cleaved to for years. He never once left my side. I praise Him for allowing me to emerge as unscathed as I did. I needed healing for about 10 percent of what I deserve, in all honesty.
But somehow, even with all that mess, I hadn't quite learned my lesson. When it ended with him, I found another guy. I dove head-first into what I thought would be my saving grace relationship. Years had built up to this moment where me and bachelor number six were finally going to work out. Long story short, I came up very empty.
My heart was devastated. I wanted a relationship more than anything and it was seemingly the only thing out of my grasp.
Post major heartbreak number two, a sweet friend of mine met me for lunch. Over chicken salad sandwiches and sweet tea, she suggested I listen to a podcast called "Single for a Season, Single for a Reason" by, my now favorite Bible teacher, Marian Jordan Ellis. The minute I got home from lunch, I quickly downloaded the Redeemed Girl Ministries app, stuck my headphones in and sat in my bed while God began to change my perspective on singleness. This teaching revealed God's heart toward singleness, but more than that, it revealed His heart toward me. He wasn't withholding from me; in fact, He had something much better. This revelation forever changed the trajectory of my walk with the Lord.
I moved onto RGM's series on purity (Cherished) and after some Bible searching and prayer, I began to understand how valuable singleness and purity were. Several things Marian said revolutionized my perspective on relationships. The most notable thing she said was when she and her now husband were dating, they looked one another in the eyes several times and said, "I love you, but I love Jesus more."
At this time last year, I could not imagine saying that to anyone. I didn't understand how I could tell a person I could see, hear and touch that I loved someone I couldn't see, hear or touch more. But I wanted to get to that place. I knew in the core of my being Marian's example was how it was supposed to be. I had to get to the place where my heart wasn't just on loan to God till I met Mr. Right... I had to get to the place where God truly had my whole heart. All of it, forever.
Jesus is better!
It has been exactly a year now since I started my singleness journey...and man, what a year it's been. I don't think it's any coincidence this has been the toughest year of my life thus far, even outside the scope of laying my idol down. On top of wrestling with singleness daily, I lost my Nana last August, worked on my sorority executive council (which was uniquely challenging), traveled to Haiti, battled some health issues and walked through some unprecedented relational struggles. But God never left my side and He never stopped reminding me to shift my gaze toward heaven and take hold of the gospel of grace every day.
Not only did He help me come to believe Jesus is better in the area of singleness, He has shown me that Jesus is better always, in all areas. To me, that's my greatest testimony. God has won me over, wooed me, swept me off my feet time and time again and I can't help but proclaim with every breath in my body, "Jesus is better!"
My journey through singleness has also been my journey to the cross. When the Lord called me to lay down my idol of relationships, He built something much better in its place. The more He helped me let go of my need to find fulfillment in a relationship, the more He replaced my "empty" space with a hunger for Him. My daily prayer has become, "Lord, grant me a heart that seeks you above all else," and I have seen God's faithfulness in answering my prayer. My journals have story after story of His faithfulness, of Him answering prayers and depositing more of His love in my heart.
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