My Redemption Story

We all qualify for a redemption story.

I think testimonies are great no matter what specifics they entail because testimonies have never been about the sin; they've always been about the Savior... cliché, perhaps, but oh so true. Now trust me when I say I hung the banner of "I don't have a testimony" over my life for many years. I think it's a common theme for many of us who grew up in the church. I hear it all the time.

I came to know about Jesus at a very young age — so much so, I don't remember the moment it happened. My mom told me I was four. I was raised in the church. I grew up spending four days a week at the church, sitting in big church from a young age, dancing in the church dance team, enjoying the pride that came with having parents in church leadership. Many of my memories of my childhood took place within the walls of this church. My parents were elders, which meant we never missed a service, gave inordinate amounts of money to the building fund and were at the beck and call of the pastoral staff at all times. It was my normal, I never questioned it.

Come to find out, this church was not a great one. In retrospect, we now know the church was not teaching the gospel; rather, it was promoting a twisted form of the prosperity gospel. I teethed on legalism and grew up on the notion that if I was good enough, I could earn God's favor. I believed that if I gave enough, God would love me.

Cut to 8th grade: we make the great escape from aforementioned church. To say leaving the church was akin to a prison break would be a massive understatement. Needless to say, deep wounds were dished out generously by the leadership of the "church." In an instant, my entire "biblical" foundation fell out from under me, and I was free-falling into the biggest crisis of faith I've ever experienced. I was told to question everything...and I did.

In retrospect, everything that had been woven into my religious DNA — think positive, be good, do more, give more, and then God will love you — was the furthest possible thing from the gospel. I wouldn't have known Jesus if He introduced himself to me on a Sunday morning.

After leaving the church, bitterness, rage, confusion, perfectionism and a deep-seeded hatred for the Church all took root in my heart.

I went through most of high school wounded. I walked with a limp when it came to religion, and I cherry-picked through my legalistic lunchbox for the rules I was willing to follow. I settled on the big three:

1. No sex

2. No drugs

3. No alcohol

I felt like since I'd hit the big three, I was good to go. Meanwhile, bitterness spat out of my mouth like venom on a daily basis, I daily sought the approval of man over God, my Facebook profile claimed I knew God, but my heart and actions said otherwise.

Though I may have kept "Bailey's commandments" for myself, it didn't mean I wasn't ravaged by sin in the process. That's the funny thing about legalism, you can check all your boxes, cross all your T's and dot all of your I's, but it doesn't guarantee you are in a relationship with your Father, which, in the scope of eternity, is the only thing worth its salt.

Cut to college: I'm a small fish in OU's big pond. I only know two souls in Norman and was painstakingly aware of how small and vulnerable I was. I rushed a sorority, and while it provided me temporary distraction from my insecurity, to my own surprise, I ran back to the only real security I knew... the church. I was going to (no joke) five bible studies a week and after my Big brought me to her home group, I settled into a church. I was out of my depths in the college setting and had no choice but to hunt for God's strength in the process.

By God's sovereignty, I came to understand grace through the church's series on the book of James. I remember sitting in the auditorium of Newcastle High School on a September Sunday morning, journal sprawled open in my lap, Bible clenched to my chest — I was hanging onto the pastor's every word. One by one, the scales began to fall off my spiritual eyes, and I began to see just how amazing the grace of God is... and more importantly, just how desperately I needed it. Grace clicked in what can only be described as a holy moment of redemption spread out over the course of a month. Even though I'd never left the palm of God's hand, I felt like He had found me. He had my number.

This was three years ago, and I can honestly say it has been quite the ride. There have been several chapters within this story of mine. The Lord is so faithful. He's guided me in laying my idols down, He's healed deep wounds from the big-C Church, He's connected me with a mentor who has changed my life, He's given me a hunger and a thirst to know Him, He's empowered my heart with a desire to study doctrine and reformed theology, He's made me painstakingly aware of my depravity and utter dependency on His grace, and He has lovingly walked me through some of the toughest trials of my natural life.

Over the past three years, the Holy Spirit has done a work in my heart so great I cannot even try to take credit for it. He is good, even when I'm not; every good and perfect gift in me is from Him. I by no means have arrived, but with God's grace, I have come far. I fall daily, but He picks me up, dusts me off and sets me back on my feet every time.

When I walk in defeat, He trades my shame for His victory. He is faithful. He is better. He is worth everything I have. I need grace more than just about anybody else I know, and that's a fact. And though there are many days I stumble, at the end of it all, I know I will be able to stand before the glory of my Father and say:

"Lord, you gave me a new heart, and I spent my days seeking you out. I sought you in the trials, I sought you in the victories; it wasn't easy, but you know what? You are better than any alternative. More than that: you are worth it."

The Lord has turned my life upside down, twice over...and man, I hope He keeps doing it for many years to come. I've learned testimonies aren't about the amount of times we sin or how "big" the sin was. They're about understanding the gravity of our sin, the nature of our depravity, and the beauty of His grace when He calls us back into His loving arms.

#Grace #Singleness #Idols #Legalism #Love #Testimony